What Is Your Behaviour Showing You?

We all have behaviours we fall into—some conscious, others automatic. Some feel harmless, even helpful. Others we might feel ashamed of. But what if your behaviour is trying to tell you something?

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “Why do I keep doing this?” Maybe it’s a habit you can’t shake, a pattern you’re tired of, or a way of living that just doesn’t feel like you anymore.

In my coaching work, we often start not by changing the behaviour, but by listening to it. Because your behaviour—yes, even the stuff you might not be proud of—is trying to help you in some way.

Your Behaviour Is Trying to Protect You

Our brains are brilliant at survival. When something overwhelming happens—whether in childhood or adulthood—our nervous system may respond with repression or dissociation. These are not flaws. They’re built-in protective mechanisms. They kept us safe at the time by shutting down feelings that felt too much to handle.

But just because the event is over, doesn’t mean our system knows that. Especially if trauma is still running the show in the background.

That’s where behaviour comes in. It steps up to do something about the pain we haven’t yet processed. It says: Let me distract you, numb you, keep you busy, help you feel in control—anything but feel that void.

And so we overwork, overdrink, people-please, doom-scroll, overachieve, isolate, lash out, shrink down, or stay stuck in relationships that aren’t right for us.

Not because we’re broken.
Because our system is still trying to protect us.

Avoiding the Void

It can feel safer to:

• have another drink than feel grief

• work late than sit with loneliness

• stay in a mismatched relationship than face being alone

• pretend everything is okay than face the pain we buried

Why? Because pain can be terrifying. And somewhere along the way, many of us learned it wasn’t safe to feel it—or that no one would be there to support us if we did.

So we suppress, avoid, or bypass.
But suppression isn’t healing. It’s a short-term strategy with long-term costs.

Are You Living Authentically?

Sometimes the real question isn’t “why do I keep doing this?”—but:

• Am I being honest with myself?

• Am I living my truth?

• Am I in a relationship/job/lifestyle that honours who I am?

• Am I avoiding what I know I need to face?

Your behaviour may be the first clue that something inside you feels misaligned.

When you notice the same patterns popping up, it’s often a signal: Something needs attention.
Your behaviour might be shouting, “This isn’t who I really am.”

Behaviour as a Trauma Echo

One reason behaviours can be hard to shift is because we’re viewing the present through a trauma lens. The brain and body may not fully know the difference between then and now. That old pain lives on in our nervous system, influencing how we relate to the world, others, and ourselves.

And sometimes, it feels more doable to control our behaviours than to face the pain at the root.
But real healing asks:
How is my behaviour trying to help me?
What pain is it covering up?
What would I feel if I stopped?

Healing the Root Cause Can Transform Everything

There’s a growing body of research showing the powerful link between unprocessed trauma and physical illness. Experts like Dr. Gabor Maté, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, and Dr. Nadine Burke Harris have highlighted how trauma doesn’t just live in our minds—it imprints on our bodies.

There are documented cases of people experiencing profound improvements in physical health—chronic fatigue, autoimmune symptoms, even cancer—after doing deep emotional and trauma healing work. While this isn’t a magical cure-all, it shows just how interconnected mind and body really are.

When we address the root cause—not just the symptom—we open the door to real transformation.

Befriending Your Patterns

So what if, instead of judging yourself for your behaviour, you got curious?

What if you saw your coping mechanisms not as flaws, but as protective strategies?
What if you gently asked:

• What part of me is hurting?

• What’s underneath this urge?

• What am I afraid might happen if I stopped doing this?

This is the reflective work I support my clients with—not fixing, but understanding.
Not shaming, but befriending.
Not avoiding, but getting curious.

Because when you understand the story behind your behaviour, you can start to write a new one.

🖋 Reflective Journal Prompt

Think of a behaviour you often find yourself repeating—one you feel stuck in, unsure how to change.

Ask yourself:

• What might this behaviour be trying to protect me from?

• What feelings or memories come up when I imagine not doing it?

• Is this behaviour helping me avoid something painful, or is it helping me move toward healing?

• What might I need instead—emotionally, physically, or spiritually?

• What would it look like to meet this need with compassion, rather than control?

Write without judgment. Let your inner voice speak freely. Sometimes the truth only surfaces when we’re ready to hear it.

If this resonates, I invite you to book a free chemistry call. Together, we can explore what your behaviour might be telling you—and how to begin responding with compassion, courage, and choice.